Loss of Unimportant Things

There are times when being strong is bad. There are times when you need to lean on others to be able to make it through. I learned this lesson the hard a few years back and I am trying not to repeat it. A friend in my program at school said to me "you worry about others and their welfare before you worry about yours". When she said this to me, I had never been so upset by something that should be perceived as a good thing. But for me, this goes beyond being stubborn and hard headed. I am not saying that I am not those things, but this is more. This is about self-definition. I have worked hard these last couple years trying to define myself as a someone who is strong, dependable and kind-hearted. I want to be someone who is a rock for others and who is a great mother who learns from her mistakes. The "problem" really hit me when I had to go to the hospital for first time for monitoring. Afterwards, I was told to go on modified bed rest. That meant giving up being a 'good' mom and not being able to keep promises. It meant not being self sufficient and becoming, what I think as, a burden. It was these feelings that made me break down in the cardiologist office yesterday when the doctor told me that I am 'fine' and will 'survive' the rest of my pregnancy. I did not think I wouldn't 'survive' and most people would be pleased with this news. For me, it was invalidating. Like I am over exaggerating what is wrong and how I am feeling. I wanted some validation for how terrible I feel. When I didn't get it, I questioned where to go from here. What do I continue to give up? Where do I make cuts? Of course I will continue the bed rest and all that comes with it, because I know how I feel. But when you are feeling as torn in a million different direction like I do, you want someone to validate your physical state.... the emotions associated with it... and the sacrifices being made. So, for me, no news is not always good news.